“Men [and women] are not brought together to reduce the quality of their lives, but to increase this quality and make it greater during their common experience. If this is not so, for whatever reason, and they persist in making their lives difficult, monotonous, it is better for them to live alone than to live together.” BdM
CP 023
BEING SINGLE OR IN COUPLE
The content of this page was written in English by the BdM Intl Diffusion team. If you read this page in another language, the translation will be done by an artificial intelligence (AI) service, so the result must be interpreted with discernment.
It is better to be happy alone than unhappy together. This is obvious in itself, difficult to achieve because man does not have the will to undo what he has done wrong.
Building a life with another person is pleasant when everything is going well between each other, but easily becomes hell when everything goes wrong. But the feelings are so strong and the fears of tomorrow so great that most people prefer to wait and see if there will be any changes.
Waiting is one thing, but pretending to yourself that you use waiting as an alibi against your impotence and inability to act is another. There are some of these people who are so afraid of their husbands – or wives – that the slightest idea of changing their lives seems impossible to them. Not only because of the fear they have, but because they do not see a way of live if, unfortunately, they should separate. As if life only takes care of those who don’t have a serious problem…
Of course, it is not easy to change your life in a marital sense. And indeed, those, who are thinking of changing their lives in this way, must be absolutely sure that there is no other way out and that all possible avenues have been explored. Many, if they could talk intelligently with someone they have already loved, would find a solution to their famous dilemma. But no! They refuse real and integral dialogue; they refuse to see things as they are and complain to everyone that their lives are unbearable.
There are always two outcomes in life, one that is real and the other that is not. Most people choose the one that is not and complain that it is so until death.
How ridiculous can man be to continue living a life that is not livable? How man lacks the will to improve his fate if it is not justifiable. Any life that is badly lived is because, somewhere along the line, there has been a lack of will, a lack of courage – to use your words. No life is absolute in its arrangement, only your idea of this life can be reduced to any form of impotence.
As long as man has not learned and understood the first lesson of life, namely harmony, he is unable to live his life, he must undergo until it becomes for him a purely mechanical existence without heat.
But harmony in life can only come to him if he creates the necessary conditions so that it can come to him. And often, these conditions must be created in a radical way, so that a new energy descends and relaunches it in a new direction. But all this requires will and a powerful desire not to suffer life, but to live it as one would like to live it. There are cases where it seems absolutely impossible for the individual to change anything that makes his life bearable, because it has been so badly lived and built.
The dilemma is often so difficult to overcome that these people seem to have no other way out than the one they have known for years, and which has poisoned their lives. However, these people are weak, and their weakness contributes to maintaining the status quo in their lives. And they will never get away with it, unless they apply a very great and very firm will, a will which is totally directed by an objective intelligence of their situation, where the false feelings that hold them back will be powerless to make them deviate from a judgment who they know to be accurate, but whose application they fear because of their insecurity.
Insecurity is a vase that holds man back and contributes to his inner suffering. Insecurity is always based on motives that are not real, but that we believe are real because we live them in uncertainty before ourselves. How can man live a full life if he is full of uncertainties that come from a deep lack of will and creative intelligence in him?
People who live together and who, after many efforts, cannot connect, improve their common fate, have no alternatives but to seek another way in life, in order to perfect their own lives and allow their spouses to continue their own. Men are not brought together to reduce the quality of their lives, but to increase this quality and make it greater during their common experience. If this is not so, for whatever reason, and they persist in making their lives difficult, monotonous, it is better for them to live alone than to live together. For they no longer build, but destroy everything, little by little, on the rest of the road they have to travel, and contaminate the lives of their children, who also have a life to live, in conditions that should be the most suitable to facilitate the natural development of good feelings and intelligence balanced by healthy emotions.
But if parents are unable to create such an environment for their children, wisdom should prevail in them, rather than weakness of character and impotent will, in the face of the evidence that makes them suffer. Life is a continuum; it won’t stop unfolding because you have decided to make a major decision that gives it a new direction. On the contrary, it starts all over again, but this time with the advantage of a very great experience of your past mistakes.
Too many people in our modern society have been rendered powerless by living conditions, according to which it was no longer possible for two, alone, three or four of them to achieve their full potential with their children, because they had ceased to be able to see beyond the murderous routine of a life without an end. But what can we do for these people? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. For they must take the first step for themselves and by themselves. And the first step is the one that allows them to face the situation and end it once and for all, when they have ruminated in their spirit to end it, without being able to do so, because of the fear of tomorrow, the fear in all its illusory forms have deprived them of the power of action.
Of course, it is not easy to change a life after such a long chain of experiences with two people. But what do you want? To rot or to live? It is only up to you to answer and decide if there is a decision to be made. But only you can make the decision. No one can and will take it for you. People are full of good advice. But advice is just a simple ointment that does not cure evil if you do not apply it intelligently and armed with a strong will.
The temporary suffering caused by a radical change in life is part of your attachment to the past of your life. Your feelings bring you back to the past, and it is from this past that you feed yourself for a while, because your emotions have been disturbed, so that you can be better organized in the future. This is the price you have to pay when you have to undo what you did wrong. But you have to pay this price because it represents, in fact, to what extent you were entangled. The deeper you plunge a stake into the mud, the harder it is to get it out. The same is true for your feelings, your ill-lived emotions, and your malnourished love.
One of the greatest illusions that must be overcome, when a major decision has to be made in the life of two people, is the one that causes us regret. Regret is a channel that keeps us connected to the past and often makes us question whether we have done the right thing or the wrong thing. In life, it is first and foremost a question of action. If we do not act, we do not experience regret, but we do not live either.
Every decision brings with it its own energy. And it is from this energy that we draw the necessary forces to maintain the decision, and to eventually make it work. Until we have learned the important lesson that we must constantly make in life of increasingly voluntary decisions if we want to live our lives instead of suffering them, we are not in the maximum potential of our lives, but in the antechamber of our lives. Most people live in the antechamber of life, and it is these people who constantly accumulate problems in life and annoy those around them.
When there is a problem, we must eliminate it at the root in order to always level the playing held of our own evolution, of our own life. Without this we quickly become vegetative beings, through whom the creative forces of consciousness cannot circulate, because the inner tensions are too great and hinder those forces in us that are part of the inner creative life. It is from this life that we must live, and not from a life that dries up, over the years, the shore of our will dulled by our false feelings.
Whatever your life is, if it is not what you want it to be, it is up to you to determine its direction. In the complex world of emotions and feelings, men are prisoners, especially where love has not been able to grow with time. But if a man or woman destroys his or her life because he or she does not have the courage to face things, we can only shrug and hope that one day or another, intuition, willingness, will be able to break through the shell surface out of fear of being alone in life.
Obviously, we must do everything possible and necessary to stop the elements that make this union between two beings difficult. If it is necessary to mend and re-strengthen the bonds: wonderful! And in many cases, this is the case. But it is not these cases that interest us here, but those that are only affected by rust, and whose erosion can only increase over time. We must not always delude ourselves; the will is the most powerful asset that man possesses. It is his strength, his power. And this willpower is constantly weakened because people are afraid of being troubled beyond a capacity, they do not believe they have.
Any being who manifests himself in power, in will, grows in reality and can only become greater in his life. But men are so trapped in their own foolishness that they cannot see. They cannot act. From there, their impression that life is often not worth living. Indeed, life is not worth living if it is not proportional with our deep desire. If it is only proportional with our weaknesses and lack of will, it is better for us materially than it was not. That is why it is necessary for us to understand its potential and this potential is recorded in us.
There are beings on Earth, of all kinds. Those who succeed in their lives, understand it well and live it well, despite all the obstacles it presents in their path. And it is often these men or women who serve as an example to man. But man cannot live by example, he must be his own example in front of himself.
As long as you do not understand that your life is in your hands, even if it is predetermined, you will not be able to live as beings full of themselves. Your will must be shared between your material and spiritual parts, so that the two merge. Only then can you be happy and well in your own skin, because it is your skin that you will discover, not the skin that you have been given or that you have given yourself out of weakness or lack of creative intelligence.
You can’t live two lives: one that doesn’t work, and another that you hope for. It is about transforming the one that does not work into a life that works. And it is up to you to get rid of your delaying mechanisms, which you have created for years due to a lack of will. No matter what kind of life you live, there is only one worth living and that is the one where you are happy, or where you can see a possible success. If there is no sun on your horizon, it is highly time you got rid of the clouds that veil it.
It is easy to say and it is not easy to live, because living one thing and talking about it are already two different things. But when you realize that from one thing you can progress to the other, you will already have begun to feed on your own strength and break down your own walls, but you need to know first.
You should know that will is the only real asset you have and that everything else depends on it. Without will, you are at the mercy of all that is unleashed and swallowed up. You are at the mercy of anything you don’t want. You are slaves. It is therefore up to you to become master of your situation, when you have realized that there is no other way. But make sure there is no other way, so as not to throw a building on the ground that can be fixed and redecorated. This is where you need to take stock of your possibilities and expect nothing less and not expect anything that cannot be used to repair the old clothing, unless it is so weakened in its fibres that nothing can hold up anymore. It is up to you to know; it is up to you to decide, to you alone.
Women are often the victims in married life because the task of raising children is theirs. This task, which has serious consequences for children, is also important for the mother, who must be both maternal to her younglings and intelligent to herself. For family life is not a situation from which the great male can and must free himself alone, at the expense of a woman who is often too sensitive or too weak to reject everything she has wanted to sow for love.
Women must recognize as many possibilities for freedom as men do in life. But it is only by getting used to looking things in the face that she can achieve this right status, because her feelings are often stronger than her intelligence, and from this situation she emerges suffering and self-reflected. While the big male easily finds the key to the fields, because he knows very well that the mother is there to take care of the children, alone, without moral support, weakened in her resistance.
Turn on your lights! Wake up once and for all! And that those who have been gutted, close their wounds, man or woman, otherwise life will flow through your fingers, and you will no longer know it!
It is no longer a question of letting oneself be led from your lower body, but of doing the right thing, that is, acting for the good of all, as much of yourself as for the one with whom everything has probably been tried in order to make an impossible union possible. As long as you believe in a possibility, the door is open, but as soon as you realize the impossibility, stop banging your head against the walls and change direction! You don’t have to be stupid until you’re sordid. It is about feeling good about yourself, about being happy according to our power to be happy. Unfortunately, there seem to be people in the world who close themselves to happiness out of small-mindedness and lack of character. There is nothing we can do for these people, because they can’t do anything for themselves.
Once something is realized, it must be articulated and immediately put into the oven of experience to discover its new properties. Know that everything is possible for you if you realize what it means, and everything can be impossible if you close yourself off and refuse to do what you feel you have to do.
Notice that nothing is more powerful and has more grip on the uninformed ego than false feelings. It is these feelings that prevent people from experiencing life in all its possible forms, and from realizing the potential that is in every being. Feelings are good when they add to life, but as soon as they delay life and keep it in a box, they are counter-productive and harmful. They contribute to poisoning life, under the pledge of an impression that only serves to make you believe what you do not believe internally, but that you accept in the name of hope and the hopefulness. But hope is only a subtle way in which you take yourself away the application of a firm and intelligent will to a situation that you have judged you’ve deemed irremediable.
We do not always admit to ourselves what we know inside, because we are used to lying to ourselves in the name of family responsibility for this or that person, in the name of children, in the name of a whole range of values that we do not want to put aside, because it represents a kind of false security. Look at your life as a couple and see if you have the courage to live it to the end. If so, so much the better, it’s wonderful. Otherwise, stop filling your stomach with illusions and your head with margarine.
Man will always evolve, and his individuality will become greater and greater, so that life in him will manifest itself more and more in harmony with itself. In the life of a couple, an ever-greater harmony must develop, if the couple is to allow the two individuals who compose it to perfect their personality within a psychological structure, equivalent to a single structure of personal ego. As long as the couple operates on a basis of ego-centeredness, it is impossible for them to ensure that the two individuals who make up the couple have an equal share in the life of the couple. And automatically one of the two, if not both, will be affected by any imbalance in the manifestation of this couple. In fact, a couple is actually the social manifestation of two beings for the benefit of both. If these two people are in disarray, the couple’s life is no longer useful to them. They should cease, so that a new impetus can be given, allowing these two beings to re-couple in a different structure, but fulfilling the goal it should have towards these two people.
But today’s man is so closely linked to many false feelings that when it is necessary for him to reformulate the structure of the couple, which is no longer useful to him, he prefers to continue to exploit this structure, not realizing that it is himself who is exploited. The exploitation of the dead life of a couple by two coupled beings is the height of human sentimentality and the basis for much suffering in our society. The time will come, and it has already begun, when man, realizing that he has not made the final choice of his company, will untie without trauma the bond that linked them before, in order to relive another experience, which, this time, perhaps, will be a happy one.
We must do everything possible to keep the flame that unites a home and ensures a healthy and harmonious life for all. But in cases where this is impossible, frankly impossible, the people involved must have the will to rebuild what has not been able to serve them adequately. And from this experience, learn lessons for the future, while reducing as much as possible – always in the context of love for children and concern for their well-being – conflicts of interest towards these children, so that they do not suffer as a result.
There are too many parents, for selfish reasons, who use their children to point out to a spouse the past faults that have been committed, without realizing that if the couple’s life has not worked for them, the children have already been the victims. Stop using children as hostages, against our poorly developed feelings and poorly formed ideas of life. Children are in our lives to build the scaffolding necessary for theirs in the future, not to endure the madness of our follies.
Any well-meaning parent towards his or her children should minimize the conflict between him and his partner, so that children continue to benefit from the presence of both. Children are indeterminate in their conception of the psychological balance that should be found in a home but are very sensitive to this balance. If there is a lack of balance in the life of the home, children suffer consciously and unconsciously. Negative energy disrupts their emotional bodies and prevents them from developing the natural centricity that love and any good education that should accompany it bring to those who evolve in favorable environments.
When the parents have stopped really loving each other, they are just living together. Children deteriorate and lose the natural look they should have developed in a healthy and conflict-free environment of which they do not understand all the secrets. Note that for a child, a parent represents someone who is tall in his or her esteem, but this esteem can very easily decrease if the child recognizes at some point that the parents are not in harmony with each other.
That’s why it’s essential for parents to decide whether they want to live together and balance their relationship, so that children can enjoy life in a healthy way. Otherwise, it is preferable for parents to get along frankly, so as not to disturb the lives of their loved ones.
Parents, in general, are aware of the harm that they can do to their children if they have to separate. And this concern is often the reason why they delay a separation, which would give them a new option in life. Parents’ concerns are justified in the sense that two parents are needed to create a balance in the child’s life. But it must be recognized that a good single father or mother, whom the child values and loves, can very well fulfil the task of the necessary education, and allow the child to evolve without being bruised by irreducible conflicts between the two parents, who really no longer have a future together because the bridges have been cut between them.
If the bridges are really cut between two parents, not only do the parents suffer, but so do the children. It is better to apply the great remedies at that time. But great remedies require great will. And this is where the problem lies. This is where the parent who suffers most from the situation must be able to make a decision that will create a new balance.
No link is absolute between two beings, only the beings condition this link and are responsible for it towards themselves, since they are the ones who have created the possibility of it. But parents do not always have clear judgment and firm will. As a result, many years often have to pass before a crisis forces them, whether you like it or not, to make a decision that should have been made a long time ago. For couples with children, the decision is much more difficult because of all the considerations, which in the case of a childless couple, only affects the two adults.
Those who have no children and who suffer in their union – and who persist for sentimental reasons or weakness which they wrongly give themselves because they have no will, no strength of character to change their situation – these beings deserve the fate they are creating for themselves. Because these people refuse to admit the reality of their failure. When we refuse to admit failure, it is because failure has not yet revealed to us the real character of our personality. And it is only with time that this achievement will become known in all its clarity. Then we will be forced to change direction.
The years lived together will have served to make us more emotionally dependent on the situation, until the moment when, if there is clarity, the delayed decision will lead to a greater assessment of our incapacity.
Rationalize all you want, there is no place in life for a lack of will. And where we know that the will must be applied in order to change a situation, in order to give the boat a new boost, we must do so, because one day or another we will have to do so under probably more difficult conditions.
For already time will have made a great collection of all our dear emotions, and will have galvanized our feelings, so that any break-up will be more and more difficult. It is not a question of trying to break a union with a being for the sole purpose of demonstrating to oneself whether there is will in oneself. It is better to see if there are really possibilities, rather than imaginary possibilities that we refuse to see disappear.
But at some point, we no longer have a choice, and it is here that we must firmly realize that it is better to live alone than to be unhappy together.
In life, there is always a way, a solution. And those who do not know that this is true in the field of wounded love, will have to realize it in spite of themselves, somewhere in time. For today’s man and woman no longer have the old boundaries which maintained the status quo in their relationship, which had long since passed away, but which persisted. For men were dominated by fear and shame, two great illusions, two enormous forms that have troubled and still trouble many lives. Could this be the case for you or your friend that doesn’t want to see clearly?
Life is not always what we would like it to be, because we do not have the will to tame it. In the field of love, our will is even weaker, because for man, love is a great security. Security based on the presence of another being in our lives, external security. But this security can easily become a hell if we take a little too many false values of which we know the illusion, but which we do not have the courage to reject.
Man makes his bed and must sleep in it until he hasn’t realized that not all beds are made in the same way. It is not about being so stupid that you would like, to sleep in a bed for a lifetime, which the bottom pierces your heart and spirit.
But these major decisions in marital life require careful consideration because many households can continue to function, only to the extent that people are willing to see beyond their belly button.
As long as two beings seek to quarrel, there will always be material to feed their spirit. But when two beings are about to make a real examination of their behavior, they can easily find a hidden formula, provided they put aside the disturbing dispositions of their ego nourished by blinding passions, and willing not to understand anything, for the ego is both holy and sinful.
Update on 2024/03/24